As the curtain draws on this year, the final moments of this wintry night carry an air of quiet contemplation and introspection. It is a time to pause, breathe, and join the beads of events. The last day of each year feels like a door between two realities. Once I step through, it closes once and for all. Then if I have to look back, I can only do so through my memories.
I have always been bothered by the need to turn the pages back and relive each of those 365 days. The past has never been kind to me. Yet, I close my eyes, trying to remember how it felt on a particular day. I land as a character in the past who can only stand by and watch. The days when I only prayed for the storm to pass, make my heart dig into my chest. I see myself fighting, falling, standing up, falling, and fighting. I see how unbothered the people surrounding me are. I convince myself that it is happening only inside my head. Though, it feels as real as the pen in my hand. Standing there, watching myself, I feel alone in my own company. But I remember I am the person who is still thriving on 31st of December. Scarred but alive. That gives me hope.
This year was marked by a wavering sense of purpose. Even though I finished my university studies, I didn’t find the trophy of satisfaction I had been looking for the past five years. I was uninterested in pursuing jobs related to my university degree. Yet, I could not achieve much with my photography either. On the contrary, it was the driest year for me photographically. I hardly touched my camera throughout the year. I lost my urge, dedication, and motivation towards photography. I had a few sporadic photography trips, here and there. And that’s it—nothing grand, nothing spectacular.
Despite the lows, I am deeply grateful. I am grateful for the privilege of reading a lot of books, filling the pages of my journal, launching my official website, getting guidance from my father, feeling drops of joy in the company of my pets, and finding my way back to the creative flow. I am thankful to all the people who showed me some light in the fog of doubt. The connections I made, the students I taught, and the mistakes I committed are all invaluable to me because they changed me for the better. As the clock ticks closer to midnight, I find myself hopeful for the new year. I feel stronger, calmer, and more perceptive to opportunities. The moments of triumph, moments of hesitation, and moments of quite revelation, all have been a great lesson for me.
Being a documentary photographer, I rediscovered the value of moments. I felt the need to preserve every second of our existence, because the act of pen to paper, light on a sensor, or notes on a rhythm reflect the light of reason from the past to the unknown roads of the future. I realized how these moments, when preserved in our memory, become the only thing that stays with us at the threshold of a transition.
To anyone reading this who has faced similar struggles, know that you are not alone. It is okay to lose motivation, to feel undecided, and to stumble. What matters is finding the courage to pick yourself up, to keep trying, and to trust the process. Here’s to resilience, to rediscovering passion, and to embracing the unknown. May the coming year bring clarity, joy, and the strength to chase what sets your soul on fire.
Happy New Year 2025!
